target.

sometimes I'm thankful for being born an only child. you're born into a life set up for independence. I've never had the experience of a sibling standing up for me (though I had my father for that), I've never had someone to share my secrets with, and I've never been able to "catch a break" by sharing my heat with anyone else.

Safety in numbers. that's what they say isn't it? I suppose then in this case I'm the only fish in the barrel, I guess I have a target of sorts on my back then don't I?

But like i said, I'm sometimes thankful for it. I've gotten good at taking responsibility for my actions. I'm well trained in deciding what is wrong or right - for me. I resolved at a very early age to do whatever is right for me and not look back. In that case, if what I've chosen to do is wrong, at least I have my reasons. I'd rather be blamed for something I did for my own reasons, than something i did for someone else's reasons.

I've gotten good at defending myself.
My parents weren't exactly "hands on" so my own judgment is the one that I've had to trust, and use as guidelines in my life. I've done pretty well on that so far. (without a regret)

Lately though, I've been going against my better judgment on something. I've been pursuing, and persistently so, something that my mind says is foolish, and unnecessary.
My mind reminds me : "why force it? - what's in it for you? - you keep getting burned! - you have no obligations." and lastly.. "no one, and nothing, has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. you should avoid that negativity, stay in the realms that make you feel good about yourself, that's positive and productive. cut out that which is negative and destructive to you."

I believe my conscience is right. I believe that if I listen to my thoughts, at the very worst, I'll have solid reasons and defenses for doing whatever I decide to do. And at best, I'll be protecting myself from becoming affected negatively....

But of course, I haven't been following my better judgment, because to do that as a first reflex without considering the suggestions of others, would be....... arrogant. So I've listened to friends and loved ones, knowing before they spoke what they would say. And of course they suggest to "persevere", and to "endure", or to "fight back" ... And normally I'd always be all for perseverance, and toughing it out, and "not letting them get to you"... but when it's for the right cause. Determination is fantastic, when it's pointed in the right direction. It's outright stupid, when spent for the wrong reasons.

So of course, I've gotten burned over and over and over again. Which strangely doesn't seem to be enough for my loved ones to shift their views, and perhaps allow room for mine. It gets me wondering if they have my best intentions in mind or if they have their own well-intentioned selfish reasons. Whether they want me to stay around because my drama entertains them, or they just want to have me stick around for company, not considering the emotional cost for me. I don't know what it is, but I forgive them in advance.

After getting burned yet again. I've decided, its time maybe to start following what I think is best. At this point I don't think anyone can accuse me of being selfish or "drastic".

My original gameplan in this life was to stay with the positive, and be affected positively. Stay away from the negative things... have nothing to do with them.

I'm going back to that.

Afterall... the target is on my back, isn't it?